When it comes to addiction recovery, everyone’s journey is slightly different. Each person finds what works for them and their situation. Some people choose to follow a 12-step program, some opt for non 12-step programs, and still others create a type of hybrid. There is not one blanket solution that works the same for everyone. It is very personal.
Part of the 12-step process is making amends, but this is something that can be beneficial for anyone. You don’t have to be following the program to integrate this step into your recovery. It can be very healing and encouraging to make changes. Not everything can be fixed, but there are generally ways that you can improve upon a situation.
Making Amends and Apologizing are Different
It can be beneficial to tell someone that you are sorry and acknowledge that you hurt them or did something wrong. Hearing these words can let them know that you recognize there was an issue, but it doesn’t necessarily do anything to fix it. As the old adage goes, “Actions speak louder than words.” You can say you are sorry, but that doesn’t bring about change.
Making amends is putting forth the effort to make a difference – not just saying you’re sorry but showing it. For instance, rather than apologizing for taking money, you pay it back. Or instead of saying you are sorry for breaking a vase, you replace it. Not everything can be restored so easily but it is the effort that counts. For things that you cannot physically replace or repair, making a conscious effort to change your actions or behaviors going forward can be a way of making amends. The person can see that you are sincere in your efforts and want to do right by them.
Why Make Amends?
Making amends can help you to heal and move forward. You can begin to let go of what happened in the past and focus on the future. Unresolved issues can leave you feeling guilty and interfere with your progress. Leaving them to fester does not help anyone. Even if you can’t make things right per se, you will know that you tried. The process can also give you more clarity and direction for the future. You will have a better sense of the things in your life you want to change and how you want to better yourself as a person. Making amends can support you in being proactive about not making the same mistakes again.
Tips for Making Amends
Create a list of those who you have hurt. Think of anyone who may have been affected by your actions and behaviors while you were under the influence. It can be difficult to admit that you have hurt them, but try to take an objective view. Write down what you did that you want to make amends for. Be as honest as possible.
Decide how you can make amends. What can you do to repair the damage caused? This could involve repayment or also replacing or repairing something tangible. Keep in mind that not everything can be repaired or replaced. Or, things may be better off left unsaid. Keep things realistic. If someone passed away as a result of your actions, you cannot bring them back to life, but you can choose to become an organ donor or get involved as a volunteer with an organization that is meaningful. This is a way of indirectly making amends. Similarly, if you cheated on someone or did something else they don’t know about and it would cause more harm to bring it up, indirectly making amends can be a viable option. What is important is that you are making changes to prevent similar situations from occurring in the future, and you recognize the damage that past actions caused.
Be active in making amends. Don’t just talk about doing something. Actually do it. Once you have created your list and come up with solutions, make sure you follow through. Realize that not everyone will be receptive to your gestures. They may have moved on in their own way. If you reach out and they are not responsive, don’t let it get you down. You are trying to do the right thing. Move on to the next person.
Remember that making amends is personal. Don’t just put someone on your list because you think you should. Have a reason and purpose, so that it is meaningful and helps you (and potentially them as well) to heal. In making amends you can also begin rebuilding relationships. It can be the start of turning things around and opening up communication. Through both your actions and words you can make a difference. Not every relationship is healthy and will be restored, but you can also gain clarity on these decisions as things progress.
Let Chapters Capistrano support you in making the most of your recovery and creating a treatment plan that meets your needs. With flexible approaches to treatment, you can figure out what works best for you. Develop strategies for overcoming addiction and preventing relapse while building a strong support network at Chapters Capistrano. Call 949-276-2886 to get started today.
